An Unconventional Path: How My Suicide Attempt Became My Benchmark For Happiness
The personal journey of living with schizophrenia and the unexpected lessons in happiness it brought. I delve into the depths of my struggles, hitting rock bottom, Suicide and discovering resilience. This blog offers a candid exploration of mental health, providing insights and hope for those navigating similar challenges.
Today, I'm taking a leap of faith and opening up about a part of myself that I rarely discuss. It's a journey that has shaped me for the past two decades—living with schizophrenia. This illness has been a constant companion in my life, to the point where it's hard to separate myself from it. While I don't carry any shame about my struggles, I'm very aware of the misunderstandings and stigma that surround this condition.
In this blog, I want to share the story that led me to hit rock bottom. It was during this that I found myself standing at the crossroads between life and death. Little did I know that choosing to continue living would become the turning point—a benchmark for my pursuit of happiness.
In the beginning, the impact of schizophrenia was all-consuming, shattering every aspect of my life. It felt like a bizarre and distorted reality, where voices haunted me and delusions took hold of my mind. I created a narrative in which people around me, even my friends and housemates, were plotting to kill me. The hallucinations were so vivid that I would hear them talking about it and It was as clear and as real as me writing this blog...... a very unusual experience
It was relentless, I was in constant fight mode for six long months, pushing me to the breaking point. I got kicked out of college, faced eviction, and the delusions kept intensifying.... Feeling trapped and fearing for my life, I had no choice but to move back home.
Weirdly the first couple of weeks after leaving were strangely liberating—I felt like a real-life James Bond, having escaped a sinister plot against me by people I had never even met but the respite was short-lived, as the voices returned telling me that " I had been found"
I spiralled down and down, realising just how worthless I must be if entire communities and friends wanted me dead.... I couldn't cope, I had nothing left to give so after a few beers and a trip to the shops to get as many bottles of paracetamol as I could get my hands on I decided suicide was the only option. My "last moments" were to be swallowing a bunch of pills all whilst hallucinating that I was hearing my parents outside my room laughing at me whilst I was doing it..... What a piece of shit I must have been.
But what happened next changed everything
Sitting there, waiting for the pills to take effect, I found myself faced with two choices: to live and learn how to deal with whatever I thought I was dealing with or to die...... It really was that simple.
In that moment my life began, my life's journey in mental health recovery.... I took myself downstairs and told my parents what I had just done and after an overnight stay in the hospital, I was referred to a Psychiatrist where I would learn all about hearing voices and Szchiphrenia.
It's taken me two decades to come to terms with what happened and find some semblance of peace. Becoming a counsellor has been the foundation in my healing allowing me to make sense of my past and find purpose in helping others. In a full circle moment, schizophrenia has become not just the cause of my darkest moments but also the catalyst for a newfound sense of purpose and resilience.
Reflecting on that suicide attempt, I have come to understand that anything above rock bottom has become a reason to be joyful. My happiness is a choice and even in the darkest of places there is always a little glimmer of hope.
I don't know exactly what I want to get out of sharing this experience with you but I guess if it shows anyone that there's always hope no matter how bad it made seem then it's a job well done.