Living with Borderline Personality Disorder- P2


Right back to where I am supposed to be going with this writing







Rob the guy who is reading this and hopefully putting on his site is wondering


  1. Why the fuck did I ask him to write this? 

  2. This isn’t a blog. 

  3. I wonder if jenny is available to write a blog instead. (Jenny’s not real remember)


Should have paid attention Rob!


But he asked me to write something and so again I try to write that I often sit wondering when to tell people especially on a date how soon is too soon. As I mentioned it’s hard not to miss that something isn’t right with me. Something isn’t normal. 


weird


"I am just wired differently" 


I do odd things and I have mood swings that can be quite intense and quite scary at times. And sometimes I hate myself. Yes I hate myself. I shouldn’t no person with a mental health should hate themselves but when you have a condition like mine it’s hard because for some they don’t understand that this is how I am I can be so happy and loved up and then the next I blow a fuse (not a literal fuse I’m not an arsonist, at least I don’t think I am).


I mean I lose my temper I think the world is against me and I lash out not physically but with a mouth so loud and deep which is strange as when you hear me speak usually it’s more, well not as deep shall we say. I used to think I have a split personality as my emotions are very strong and the way I understood it was because I thought I had different personalities. When I am in each mood I am different. But I don’t have a split personality at least I don’t believe I do.


soilders


It’s just my emotions are very strong. I always say it’s the seven minute rule. It’s not seven minutes but whichever mood I am in it can be intense its like a kettle boiling at times where my mood begins and starts to grow and the whistling begins and that gets louder and louder and then whichever mood I am in it finally boils and then releases and then it’s like I am back to reality and then carry on as I was before.


"Please note I don’t have a degree and this is the easiest way I can explain it. Now how do you explain that to a date especially a first date?"


Some of you would say you don’t. You get to know one another bit by bit and yes I would agree with that but what if one of those moods comes out say on the first date. How do you explain that? Well you would have to explain it and then well that’s the end of the date in most cases.


I know some of you are thinking (if your not asleep from boredom reading this) that the person will not be worth knowing if they react like that. I do agree with you on that but when you have been single for over eight years or round about eight years ( I was never good with remembering stuff like dates in a calendar). It gets harder and at times if I am honest more painful As i feel at times I won’t meet anyone again. 


I tend to ruin all my relationships. I’m not saying I am completely to blame but I am a big part of it and that’s because of my mental health. You have to look at it from a potential partner’s point of view. My true friends my real friends they like me. At times they hate me but they are still my friend (heaven know why like).


friendsa



But at times my friends find me hard work and they sometimes feel like they are walking on egg shells and these are my friends the real friends. I know you reading this (Maybe not Rob as he is still trying to find jenny’s email .JENNY’S NOT REAL). 



jenny


Many of you reading this would say that people should accept me for who I am. But if you knew me you would understand that people do need a break from me every so often for their own mental health not because they are bad people but I can be very draining on a person’s mental health. I drain myself at times. Even times when well that’s for another time maybe but there have been times I have given up.


What happened to me wasn’t my fault But it is my responsibility to own up to my actions and to do something about it ( I stole that line from a training I did). It’s hard. It’s harder dating in the modern age but it’s even harder when you have a mental health. This isn’t for everyone like but it is for me.


"I’m not a monster"


but sometimes it feels like I am when people walk away because they can’t cope anymore because I put too much pressure (I’m actually crying as I am writing this bit) I’m so sorry. (That’s mood swings for ya). But you know what I am many things.


"I'm a survivor" 




I’m a good man maybe not the best like but I am a good man. And I get knocked down. I get knocked down a lot but I am only a failure when I fail to try again The waiters back fuck it a large Gin and tonic a bottle of champagne and steak as a starter yes you heard me. What he doesn’t know is the date text me an hour ago saying they can’t make it and rearranged for another day and yet I’m hungry and booked this table under my exes name and will be doing a runner before the bill comes.

 

I told them my name was you guessed it......Jenny.



final thoughts


Precinct deserves a lot of respect for doing this. It takes courage to lay everything out in the open like he's just done. Especially with a subject that's quite taboo and not widely known about.  

My hope in him writing this is not only to educated people but give hope to others in a similar situation because he's a great example of how there can be life living with mental illness.

I've linked his media accounts below so why don't you go show him some love.